A Time of Transition (See also: DUN DUN DUNNNNN)

Let me preface this post by saying that I AM SO CAFFEINATED I CAN SEE SOUND. AND WALK ON WATER. SO OUT THE WAY, JESUS. BECAUSE I’M ON A MISSION.

Also, I need you to know these three things:

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The Art of Going After What You Want (Swiftly and Without Apology)

I’ve spent the last six weeks waiting for someone to leap out of the bushes while I walk around the lake by my house, waving their hands and throwing confetti whilst yelling, “PSYCH! YOU DIDN’T ACTUALLY GET YOUR DREAM JOB, ASSHOLE. YOU’RE NOT EVEN ON A CAMERA SHOW BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT PHOTOGENIC ENOUGH! WE JUST WANTED TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS AND RUIN YOUR LIFE.”

So, I know that I’ve alluded to it and mentioned it in passing, but now I’m officially ready to shout it from the rooftops (both proverbial and literal, because people just don’t yell off of roofs like they used to).

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10 Things to Stop Feeling Bad About (OR ELSE)

1) The way you pronounce things.

My mom pronounces superfluous “super-flaus”. Until a year ago, I thought colonels and kernels were two different things. As in, I pronounced colonel exactly how it looks. Sometimes people say anti-gone instead of Antigone. Or my friend pronounces Dewars Scotch, “dew-ours” completely unironically.

And all of those things are totally okay. Because at the end of the day? How you pronounce colonel is not directly indicative of the sort of person you are. Unless you pronounce Dewars with a posh English flair. Because then it just means you’re fucking rad.

2) That book you haven’t finished writing.

Guys, writing books is hard. Why do you think almost everyone says they’re writing a book but haven’t finished? I HAVE TWENTY-TWO UNFINISHED BOOKS.

But unfinished means they’re started. And started is progress. And progress means you have the guts to jot it down whilst simultaneously LETTING IT ALL HANG OUT.

3) Texting an ex. See also: break up sex. Double see also: late-night Facebook messages encouraged by too much gin and also repetitions of That Song that gives you ALL THE NOSTALGIA.

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Redefining Success, Careers & Theoretical Physics (…sorrrrt of)

So, as I’ve mentioned in passing a few times before, (especially if you keep up with me on Facebook or Twitter), I’ve recently left the “security” of my desk job to jump into the wide, wild world of Doing What I Fucking Want.*

By recently I mean this is the third day at my new (and absolutely DREAMY) job. And by Doing What I Fucking Want* I mean writing. Creating. Pouring in the hours and heart and enthusiasm to leave my corner of the world just a little bit better/more hilarious/shoutier than I’ve found it, (because in my opinion, THAT’S WHAT EVERYTHING IS ALL ABOUT).

*Official term.

But the most daunting part of making huge overhauls like this, packing up your nameplate in the stupid clichéd effing box and saying the rounds of goodbyes at the office, isn’t learning how to work from home, or figuring out how to file Independent Contractor taxes, or nailing down the perfect spot in your apartment to Skype from so you look the absolute best but also the sun from the back window doesn’t blind EVERYONE EVER.

The hardest part about going after what you love? Is redefining what success looks like.

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Life Hack 101: Prioritizing like a motherloving BAMF (the easy way)

Being an entrepreneurial BAMF and still finding time to go to happy hour(s) is tricky business. Especially when you have eighty gajillion side hustles, and an interest in stepping out of your apartment, and still cooking food sometimes, and managing to find time to bathe and MAYBE EVEN STRAIGHTEN YOUR HAIR IF YOU’RE FEELING AMBITIOUS.

Because the alternative looks like Taco Bell every night, which is great for like the first three days until the perpetual heartburn sets in and also you start to feel terrible about yourself. And then there’s that part where being stuck in your house for so long means you huddle under blankets and ugly cry, binge-watching episodes of The Amazing Race and convincing yourself that sunshine is, despite popular belief, for assholes. Your hair starts to dreadlock and you can’t just close your laptop or go for a drink or walk around the lake because THERE JUST AREN’T ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY. Unless you stopped watching The Amazing Race, but hello, that’s not going to happen.

So I’m sharing the easiest cheat in the entire world to help you prioritize. Because while everything might seem like it has to be done RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, chances are, it doesn’t. And what better way to decide than by graphing?! Exactly.

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Are you there, God? It’s me. I’m so fucked up.

It’s so easy to forget, especially in a world of auto-corrected postings and photoshopped pictures, that everyone is so unbelievably weird. So without further ado, here are ten things you probably don’t know about me so that the next time you feel like the kid in math class with an inappropriate boner? You can find solace in the fact that we’re all just a little fucked up.

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1 (one) important reason why everything is actually okay

Life is wonderful! The HILLS are ALIVE with the sound of music!

Okay? I get it. Puppies frolic through fields of hypoallergenic wildflowers and birds come to help us dress in the morning! The world is a majestic place brimming with wonderment and overflowing with sheer, undiluted joy!

EXCEPT FOR WHEN IT ISN’T.

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